Letter to think about sending

Lists

I wanted to send a note with you but didn't so I'm sending it to you in an email.  I am not writing this for pity or anything of the sort.  I am doing this because I know some changes need to be made and it is easier for me to put it down on paper.  It would be too difficult to have a conversation with you.  I wouldn't say what I want to say.  This helps me organize my thoughts.  These are just the facts the way I see it.  Facts with no emotion.  

I have been thinking about some things for about 2 months now and after this weekend I feel as if I need say some of them.

I want you to know I love you and want more than anything for us to have a great relationship.  
 
I know you are committed to me and you know I'm committed to you.  There have been some things that I have been unwilling to accept but have finally come to the place where I'm willing to accept them.  

Over the past 2 years you have stated somethings.  I have cried more in the last 2 years than in our entire married life.  I have been unwilling to accept the fact that things will never change between us, but this  weekend after our conversation ended with you frustrated and angry and me hurt, I have willingly accepted the fact that our relationship will never change.  It greatly saddens me!  There are some things that I can do to make sure we have a civil relationship and at least maintain some sort of pleasant surroundings. For very soon it will be just you and me.

Just so I have heard you correctly these are the things I have heard you say to me over and over.

1.  You have no energy left to invest in our relationship.  
2.  You have no fight left in you 
3 communication with me is frustrating
4 I don't listen to your words
5. I twist your words
6 I am partially to blame for where you are spiritually.
7 because of the past, you have changed and will never be that person again
8. You tried for years with me in our relationship and meeting my needs and you finally gave up 

If any of this is not correct, please correct me.  I want to  have a clear picture of where you are.

I don't want to be the source of another frustration in your life.  I don't want to add more stress to your life.  I don't want to anger you anymore and I don't want to be hurt anymore.

In order for all this to be possible, I know I need to change a part of who I am when I am with you.  Therefore I will do my best to not ask you anymore questions and I will not engage you and any conversation other than very surface.  I will do my best not to voice my opinion for i know this irritates you . I know the less I say the better it will be for you and your well being.  I will try to insure that I am not to blame for any other problems or issues in your life may it be partially or in whole.  the last thing I want is to not want to be around me because all I am is a source of irritation and frustration.  I wish for you to have a place at home to be free of stress.  I know I hold that key. 

Conversation is something I know you don't need from me.  I know that need is met at work. I know your brain is engaged all day and you intellectual needs are met by the people you work with.  As far as your needs  probably most are met at work.  That is one of those things ive been unwilling to accept but now realize it and accept it.  I accept that you really don't need me for anything . The only thing I can do is to give you peace when you come home.


Please forgive me for all I have caused you in the past.  The past I cannot change but I can change the future. 

I want you to know I appreciate all you do for me

Thank you for always paying the bills
Thank you for always buying the groceries even when you are tired and don't feel like it
Thank you for always taking the trash 
Thank you for doing much of the cooking which by the way you have gotten really good at it!
Thank you for making coffee every morning 
Thank you for always doing the laundry
Thank you for providing me a car and always maintaining it. 
Thank you for always taking us on vacation and saving for it so we can.  We have done and been some great places all because of you. We have made great memories because of you .
Thank you for keeping up with our finances and alway knowing how much money we have 
Thank you for allowing me to do all I've done and to pursue my passions. I know they change all the time so thanks for putting up with my ever changing feelings.
Thank you for being a great dad to our kids
Thank you for providing a home for us
Thank you for going to work everyday and providing for us.  
Thank you for always going to church with me and showing our children that a relationship with God is important to you 

I know you don't think I appreciate you and all you do, but I do more than you know.  I just don't do a good job telling you.  I will try to change that too.

I have made some decisions to make things easier and better for you.   I wish for you to be happier and things be more pleasant when you are home.  Maybe my acceptance of some things and facing reality will help.  I am trying to remove all my emotions from our relationship.  I know that will be better for you.  

I  know how you put so much  thought in to everything you do and I know you dont have the time or energy to respond.  I don't expect any response.