This week

Youve been late every night but one. You went out of town with her and boss...you work late very night with her you don't call me all day you don't think about me all I want is to be thought about I've cooked for you every nite I've down ur laundry I've cleaned and it makes no difference

You don't wear a wedding ring so I've taken mine off... You dont call me I'm not going to call you I will treat unjust like u treat me u will determine wher we go from here. Im so tired of being hurt.

Letter to think about sending

Lists

I wanted to send a note with you but didn't so I'm sending it to you in an email.  I am not writing this for pity or anything of the sort.  I am doing this because I know some changes need to be made and it is easier for me to put it down on paper.  It would be too difficult to have a conversation with you.  I wouldn't say what I want to say.  This helps me organize my thoughts.  These are just the facts the way I see it.  Facts with no emotion.  

I have been thinking about some things for about 2 months now and after this weekend I feel as if I need say some of them.

I want you to know I love you and want more than anything for us to have a great relationship.  
 
I know you are committed to me and you know I'm committed to you.  There have been some things that I have been unwilling to accept but have finally come to the place where I'm willing to accept them.  

Over the past 2 years you have stated somethings.  I have cried more in the last 2 years than in our entire married life.  I have been unwilling to accept the fact that things will never change between us, but this  weekend after our conversation ended with you frustrated and angry and me hurt, I have willingly accepted the fact that our relationship will never change.  It greatly saddens me!  There are some things that I can do to make sure we have a civil relationship and at least maintain some sort of pleasant surroundings. For very soon it will be just you and me.

Just so I have heard you correctly these are the things I have heard you say to me over and over.

1.  You have no energy left to invest in our relationship.  
2.  You have no fight left in you 
3 communication with me is frustrating
4 I don't listen to your words
5. I twist your words
6 I am partially to blame for where you are spiritually.
7 because of the past, you have changed and will never be that person again
8. You tried for years with me in our relationship and meeting my needs and you finally gave up 

If any of this is not correct, please correct me.  I want to  have a clear picture of where you are.

I don't want to be the source of another frustration in your life.  I don't want to add more stress to your life.  I don't want to anger you anymore and I don't want to be hurt anymore.

In order for all this to be possible, I know I need to change a part of who I am when I am with you.  Therefore I will do my best to not ask you anymore questions and I will not engage you and any conversation other than very surface.  I will do my best not to voice my opinion for i know this irritates you . I know the less I say the better it will be for you and your well being.  I will try to insure that I am not to blame for any other problems or issues in your life may it be partially or in whole.  the last thing I want is to not want to be around me because all I am is a source of irritation and frustration.  I wish for you to have a place at home to be free of stress.  I know I hold that key. 

Conversation is something I know you don't need from me.  I know that need is met at work. I know your brain is engaged all day and you intellectual needs are met by the people you work with.  As far as your needs  probably most are met at work.  That is one of those things ive been unwilling to accept but now realize it and accept it.  I accept that you really don't need me for anything . The only thing I can do is to give you peace when you come home.


Please forgive me for all I have caused you in the past.  The past I cannot change but I can change the future. 

I want you to know I appreciate all you do for me

Thank you for always paying the bills
Thank you for always buying the groceries even when you are tired and don't feel like it
Thank you for always taking the trash 
Thank you for doing much of the cooking which by the way you have gotten really good at it!
Thank you for making coffee every morning 
Thank you for always doing the laundry
Thank you for providing me a car and always maintaining it. 
Thank you for always taking us on vacation and saving for it so we can.  We have done and been some great places all because of you. We have made great memories because of you .
Thank you for keeping up with our finances and alway knowing how much money we have 
Thank you for allowing me to do all I've done and to pursue my passions. I know they change all the time so thanks for putting up with my ever changing feelings.
Thank you for being a great dad to our kids
Thank you for providing a home for us
Thank you for going to work everyday and providing for us.  
Thank you for always going to church with me and showing our children that a relationship with God is important to you 

I know you don't think I appreciate you and all you do, but I do more than you know.  I just don't do a good job telling you.  I will try to change that too.

I have made some decisions to make things easier and better for you.   I wish for you to be happier and things be more pleasant when you are home.  Maybe my acceptance of some things and facing reality will help.  I am trying to remove all my emotions from our relationship.  I know that will be better for you.  

I  know how you put so much  thought in to everything you do and I know you dont have the time or energy to respond.  I don't expect any response.  

You've gone out of town . You do call at nite but you say nothing and it's almost as if it's so youcan say you did. You even fell asleep while I was trying to tell you something. You give ur best to the people youwork with and I'm sure to her. I don't even get left overs I get nothing. Why do I even try.. You don't why do I even care you don't . This will never change.

Today I decided to confront. He has said I don't so I proved him wrong and did.

I questioned his working late. Told him the kids asked where he was xnd why he works all the rme one even questioned if he was is he having an affair...

Highlights of what was said
He doesn't have the energy to work on our relationship
Communication with me is nothing but frustrating and too much work
He has no expectations
He feels like he owes me nothing
He loves me but doesn't like me
Christians have dissdpointnted him and let him down
He doesn't want to do things to help my vain imaginations because it will never be enough I will always want more.

What I got
I'm not worth the fight
I'm too much to much frustration
Our relationship is bad and there isn't anything he wants to do about it bc it's too much work
He gave me everything he had and it did no good it forever changed him and he will never go back
He isn't who I married
Basically he has given up

Isn't life grand

Nothing was ever said about Sunday ... Things have been ... Well no I'll words. He worked till 3:30 in morning Tuesday and 1:30 Wednesday and midnight last nite... No call nothing ... It's almost as if he thinks he owes me nothing. This time I really don't care... I'm almost to that point that I was worried was coming.

Today is thanksgiving. I do have much to be thankful for.

Dinner last night with family daughters boyfriend is here. I ended up sitting by him and he had to talk to me. Not much was said.

This morning he acts like everything is great. I'm praying for god to reveal himself and for us to talk .

We will see

Monday fasted and prayed all day prayed for us and that he wouldnt go work and would talk he didn't go but no communication.. Yesterday no work and it's almost like he did nothing wrong...

I have been accused of part of the reason he has problems with god . I believe that is something u can't blame on others.

I have been accused of our finianical ruin but he played a big part on that.

I have been accused of pushing him away he wasn't there half of the time

I have been accused of loving our children. More than him but that door swings both ways.

How did we get to this point ? His lack of belief in gods power. The distance , being roomates and thats it.
I know these are random thought but I just need to put down what I'm feeling .....

I almost feel as if there has been a death. After our conversation Sunday and they way he talked tone and the way he responded I feel so sad and almost as if there is no hope.. I know this isn't what god wants our relationship and how can we have any spiritual relationship .if I regard iniquity in my heart the lord will not hear me.

I am very sad

Life continued

Today is a new day though nothing has changed. Took him to get car... Silence ... Came home he is working on stuff I am cleaning... Silence... Will this end?

Safeness

I have cried all day. I feel sad . I feel no hope ... I can't talk to him I have no relationship . I'm going to fast and pray. I pray our hearts are turned towards each other, and our relationship is restored. Please lord show your power to him tomorrow... Make yourself real and known. I watch in anticipation ... Give me hope

The weekend

I picked him up after driving home. The day was good. He actually seemed happy to see me. Out to lunch shopping everything seemed good. Church today message on sinasism On way home I stated that was the way he was. I gave example of yesterday praying for parking place he said basically that's stupid those kind of prayers are dumb cause there is always a parking place you just look. He said the reason he is like that is partly due to the fact that early on I made finical mistakes bc I prayed and presumed upon god...and he was upset... Raising his voice at me.... Then shut down .. Every time we talk about anything other than surface it alway ends up being my fault I feel no hope again... God will u please show him you are interested in the small areas of our life today!some how some way I don't know how but I'm asking . I think I'm not trying anymore to have deep conversation. It doesn't work. That need will have to be met by someone else . I still want to confront on the work thing but another day.

The preacher said cynical people remove god and it's me me me that's what I heard today I work hard I fix things I see what's coming I I I ... Himmmmmm

Request
Show him who you are life in the little things
Big things in life

Reveal !!!!!

Continued

He has been out of town all week. The woman he works with went on the trip as well as 2 others. He is driving home .. Told me he would call me when he left ... Supposedly he is driving home with a co worker... Hasnt called... Nothing ... Hehas hurt me again... What if tables were turned? Thanks for never considering my feelings... He knows my fears but doesn't Care ... That's what is communicated . I'm confronting this weekend ...I'm so tired of the same thing over and over !!!

You dont call me all day i call to tell u were celebrating a friends birthday yiu show up and act like nothing us wrong. No apology no nothing. We don't talk much you leave this morning don't even say bye.. I want so bad to meet someone to make you jealous I want you to fight for me but you act like I'm just a bother someone you woukd rather not even have around .

You call and tell me you are coming home at 6 I hear nothing I call at 10 ur still at work u come home at 1am ur daughter is visiting u have spent little time with her. U communicate loud and clear she isn't important I'm not important . I'm sick of this. I'm angry I'm hurt . Keep it up and one day i won't care it will be too late.

Thoughts

You are on a business trip with her. You eat meals together you work together you spend more time with her than u do me. Our relationship stinks u won't discuss our relationship you tell me nothing . Would if I gained a male partner spent all my timewith him traveled with him and never discussed him at all. When I worked late you had no idea if he was with me or not how woukd you feel? I hare this I hate where we are . I pray I sell the business tomorrow then will you want to spend time with me? Or do you just not like me anymore

england

england was good..lots of communication, lots of time...but back to reality very soon...late night working, no phone calls no texts, no communication, no nothing... sometimes i wonder why i even care anymore. i guess its the history... whatever

july 23, 2011

Todays chat
His needs aren being met. I am not a helper never have been, make him feel like everythingn magically happens, dont do thingsthat i say i will do, the last 3 i say 3 years he gave up and quit trying...I say the last 9...Its all my fault...I have caused all the problems...I dont ask I just do...Because I wasnt a helper he is forever changed...never to be the same again and of course thats my fault too...I love our kids more that him even though he does the same thing its different ...of course...he is doing things to make our relationship better...pay bills, plan for future...is that really working on our relationship??? when asked what is a helper...no comment he doesnt know...so if he doesnt know what he wants from me how the heck am I suppose to know...I want a change ...he doesnt know...one day I am going stop caring....

Nothing has changed

Today a discussion was started about how I put pressure on our kids... I disagree I have always put their needs above my own and that too was used against me. I was meeting kids needs and didn't meet his. He never communicates he ever needed me... Ever.. But of course that's my fault too... I just didn't pick up on his signals . And then there is the money it's my fault We are where we are I've done it all ... Gee i wish I were the perfect one because you know he has always been the perfect husband always meeting my needs always being there for me ... He's perfect ... Not!!!! I'm sick of always always away being the one that is at fault ... It takes 2 to tango buddy..... Oh and the problems with his mother.... My fault too ... I failed to communicate not him Me I'm sick of it all

One day I'm going to quit if things don't change I will reach my limit

But then again of course it will be my fault because he is perfect

Today nothing is wrong. According to him everything is just great . But not for me. I want an apology . I am so tired of being hurt over and over. I am going to build a wall so insure not being hurt ..

A week has gone by. He has been out of town for a week. Hope was given by the fact that he called so much thus week. I was so looking forward to his coming home. I did everything I knew to do to make coming home pleasant. Cleaned did laundry cook a good dinner and had it waiting on him. The only comment made was you forgot to take down the garbage cart ... In an angry mad tone ... I've met the kids needs all week worked 2 jobs gotten little sleep and that's the remark I'm given needless to say I was furious I loaded all the garbage in my car and took it to a dumpster. Far be it from me to have garbage outside in a cart to ruin his happy weekend . No apology..... Nothing .. I can't sleep now and the weekend I was looking so forward is now ruined ... Love does not last ... It can not be rekindled ... There is no hope tonight ... I am empty ... I am

Our Life

Where we are today is I asked him to go with me to see someone for marriage help. He said he didn't know if he could do that. He has no fight left in him. He says he gave and gave and now he has nothing left.